Sadly I won't actually get to a game until the Ashes Series comes to Sydney in January, but watching it now reminds me of the greatest day's cricket-watching I can remember, during the 2002-03 series. It wasn't really the cricket that was so amazing, although it was a win for England (miserably this was the last Test Win in Australia for England!). But being lucky enough to be sitting where the old Hill used to be at the SCG meant I was right in the middle of the Barmy Army. I thought it might be worth sharing what I wrote at the time for those lacking that unique experience of watching cricket from within the ranks for the Barmy Army. Sadly Australian grounds now try to split up the Army as much as possible to dilute their influence, but in those days the core corps were well centralised in one place and dominated the day's proceedings.
"It’s unusual to go to a sporting event to watch the spectators rather than the spectacle, but because of the reputation of the English Barmy Army as the Ashes road-show rolled into Sydney for the final test, that’s exactly what we did do, and its a spectacle I shan't forget in a hurry.
Tickets for the fourth day, put us smack in the middle of the Barmy crowd, with England in bat and surprisingly an imposing 252 for 2 ahead (or as they say down under, 2 for 252) in the second innings. I didn’t have any idea just what to expect.
Taking my seat, I settled down to what I expected to be a day’s sedate cricket watching just in the shade from a warm (late twenties), slightly breezey Sydney summer’s day: you know, the gentle brush of leather on willow and so on. About half an hour into the morning, after little more than a few cheers and claps, several hundred people to the left of us suddenly stood up, arms in the air, and sang out, " we're the left side, we're the left side, we're the left side over here," and sat down. Odd, I thought. Seconds later, everyone around us stood up and sang out, "we're the middle, we're the middle, we're the middle over here" and sat down again, closely followed by everyone to our right singing, "we're the right side, we're the right side, we're the right side over here." My confusion turned to hilarious laughter when the entire Barmy Army then stood up, pointed to the right at where unsuspecting Aussie fans sat and sang out, "you're the convicts, you're the convicts, you're the convicts over there!" (For a video of this performance, go here.)
It wasn’t just me who was unaware what to expect. Most of these are of course English football fans adapting songs they sing week in, week out for cricket, all foreign to the Australian crowd who are strangers to a singing culture like this. However, their reputation proceeded them, and the Barmy Army were allocated the section of the SCG as far from the Members enclosure as possible.
The Barmy Army are a hotchpotch of young men, wearing a uniform of English team shirts of all kinds, rugby, cricket and from football clubs from all divisions. They are trained to sustain the punishment of a tour that requires you to endure 30 days of cricket watching, under the Australian sun with beer constantly in hand. Each day of cricket or beach-bumming is followed by a drill of all night drinking sessions, every night for two months. Their skin, bottoms, wallets and livers all suffer for a duty to English cricket.
As lunch approached and England hero Michael Vauhan made 183, their singing soon began to eclipse the cricket as the main spectacle and incessant beer consumption took effect. What I became quickly familiar with was the sight of thousands of people able to stand and sing entirely as if one entity: an Army.
Before long, I was introduced to the Army's signature song (video), led by a strange gent who bares a remarkable resemblance to Jimmy Saville (pictured). This middle-aged chap from Oldham, was sitting about twelve rows ahead of me, wearing a tall three-lions, inflatable top hat, St George vest and waving a huge St George Flag. His moment was heralded by a small group around him singing, "Jimmy, Jimmy give us a song."
Standing up, he settled his audience putting his finger to shooshing mouth in Pied Piper style, pointed to the scoreboard and shouted Saville-esque, "How's about that then, guys and galls?" Then he began a well-rehearsed routine, while the Army echo each line in turn:
"Everywhere we goooooo-o, the people want to knooooooo-ow, whooooooooo we are ,and where we come from,shall we tell them,
whoooooooo we are, and where we come from?
We are the England, the mighty, mighty, England, we are the Army, the Barmy, Barmy Army!"
Then, altogether, they leaped up in their hundreds for the Barmy Army's anthem din that echoed across the Sydney Cricket Ground with staccato clapping, "Hoo-ssain's Barmy Army," over and over again for up to ten minutes.
After a few hours and many gallons of beer - the abuse and the banter with the Aussie crowd picked up. The Barmy Army dominated proceedings, and while some Aussies jovially took them on (‘I’d rather be a convict than a pom’, or ‘stick your union jack right up your arse’) they were quickly drowned out. Of course, the humiliation England have suffered after a long, painful tour provided much material for Australia who won the Ashes in the first 11 days. However, following the recent decision of the MCC in London that the centenary-plus Ashes Urn is too delicate to travel; (much quieter) songs about Aussie cricketing prowess, were retorted with the truth that (much louder) "you'll never see the Ashes!"
Other abusive chants included the old classic 'he's got the whole world in his hands' morphed into "we get three dollars to the pound," which is followed in turn by, "we're so rich its unbelievable." There’s also, "there are only 3 Aussies singing," "get your shit stars off our flag" and as the runs piled on, "you’re not singing anymore." To the tune of 'Yellow Submarine’, they finished the job with, "you all live in a convict colony!" All songs repeated over and over all afternoon as the sun beat down.
It wasn't just the Aussie crowd that came in for taunts, there was plenty saved up for the Aussie bowlers as England uncharacteristically piled on the runs. Fast bowler, Brett Lee has been known for a dodgy bowling action in his time, and so the army intimidated him with chants like, "keep your arm straight when you bowl," and, "shall we show you how to bowl." As he ran up to the crease over and over again, the crowd shouted each time, hundreds in unison, "no ball!"
Jimmy Saville was not the only celeb to be represented, and four blokes in particular stood out - three dressed as crocodile-wrestling Aussie TV cult star, Steve Irwin, and one as his pet crocodile. Drawing most attention though were girls dressed in a variety of St George's cross-inspired bikini tops, who I understand are paid 45 quid an hour to keep the beer coming.
The day's highlight came shortly after lunch, not on the pitch but actually 10 seats to our left. Barmy Army hero, Jonathon Agnew - 'Aggers' - the English commentator working for the ABC and BBC, came down with his crew to do a recording from the very heart of Barmy Army territory. This sparked fervent singing, mainly of, "Aggers, Aggers, give us a song". Perhaps more embarrassing for him, and his female producer, was the rendition of, "is she really going out with him, is she really gonna take him home."
Aggers sat down and got someone to teach him the Army anthem, before standing up to lead the Army in its war cry. Photos and autographs a plenty proved a happy highlight for a crowd of supporters that have obviously had a lot of fun, but actually have had very little to cheer about from a cricketing perspective...until, that is, the fourth day of the Sydney test.
By late afternoon, England had scored another 200 runs and set a target of 452 for an Australian side that hadn’t lost a home test in four years. This reality was not lost on opening batsman Mathew Hayden, who smashed a dressing room window in disgust after his two run dismissal. After Declaring, and much to the amazement of the Barmy Army themselves, what Aussies described as ‘Hussain’s weapons of misdirection’ took the three Australian openers’ wickets inside just one hour, making an Australian victory all but impossible.
Aussie captain, Steve Waugh - who became only the third Australian to score 10,000 career runs on the second day of Sydney - said before the match that he wanted a 5-0 whitewash, and now the Barmy Army had a simple response. To the tune of ‘she’ll be coming round the mountain,’ thousands sang: "you can stick your 5-0 right up your arse."
They won the test the next day by 225 runs to finish the series 4-1. www.barmy-army.com"