For the most part I would like to – and will - use this blog to pay tribute to many of the movies that make me happy, inspire me, amuse me, move me, educate me and thrill me. However, it seems that the very first pseudo-review I’m going to attempt is to savage one of the worst travesties of film making justice I’ve ever seen: The Boat That Rocked.
The overwhelming sense of disappointment I experienced from this dreadfully poor excuse for entertainment is quite overpowering, and the main reason I’m now drafting this is in some way to derive some mitigating value from the 2 hours or so I wasted in front of it.
On the bright side, it must be said that the soundtrack is monumental – sincerely a terrific collection of tracks I am probably going to go out and buy as soon as I’ve finished writing this. Its a beautifully made movie too (from the makers of Love Actually, Notting Hill, Four Weddings and a Thing, etc etc) – visually stunning, superbly edited and really quite stylish; evoking all of the images and visions one would expect from the 1960s. Most notably, the cast is truly “stellar” and was the main reason I - quite regretfully - sought it out to watch it. Phillip Seymour-Hoffman leads a cast peppered with both the well-established and the up-and-coming. Stalwarts of the British Acting Establishment like Kenneth Brannagh, Bill Nighy and Emma Thompson; are united with Jack Davenport, Tom Wisdom, Tom Sturridge, Tom Brooke (there's a lot of Toms) Chris O’Dowd, Talulah Riley, Rhys Darby and just a whole heap of people I really can’t even be bothered to list out any more. Even Mad Men’s January Jones makes a small – if not completely pointless – cameo which almost promises to brighten the film up a bit (the sub plot in which she starred unfortunately, however, instead just further served to annoy the sh!t out of me). All of the performances were top notch, proving what remarkable professionalism is all about. Because I really can’t fathom how these people managed to follow through on their contract. What an almighty pile of stinking pooh this film really is.
This cliched, tedious, indulgent, predictable, improbable schmaltz was even plagiarism in places I suspect. I really feel for the poor sods who got babysitters in to go and watch this in the cinema - a place of such a dark cultural horror they must have been so mercifully relieved to have got out alive. I’ve always thought funny the phase “you could torture terrorists with that” but in this case I think its sadly true and wouldn’t be surprised if somewhere right now in G'tmo, there’s some pooh jihadist peasant wishing he could stab himself in the eyeballs rather than continue to watch.
The writing is just so dire its literally unbelievable. How, oh how, could the producers bring themselves to even finish reading the script, let alone shoot it. The “Tw@t” gag, for a start, is not only so weak and obvious – its an outrageous rip off of the “Darling” joke in Blackadder – only it isn’t theft because Richard Curtis wrote both (I’m guessing he wrote the latter sober and brilliant instead of drunk, mad or FCUKING TRIPPING which is what he must have been when he played a part in writing this). The continuity is appalling, the plot lines and sub-plots all rather than interweve cleverly in fact unwind miserably like a toilet roll spinning quickly and fatally out of control. The marriage plot – merely an excuse for the stag do which is only a poorly-conceived and thoroughly transparent ruse to shoot a bunch of clichéd stunts perfect for the trailers – was perplexingly irrelevant and fleeting. The Fatherhood plot was weak and dire and utterly expected. So many plot lines long and tedious cul-de-sacs conceived only to string out the movie for as long as possible in lieu of any actual creative ideas.
In fact I’ve just thesaurused “predictable” and got a whole bunch of words that I’m just going to list out as they all are valid: humdrum, conventional, boring, unsurprising, uninspiring (except it isn’t the latter actually is it ‘cos its inspired this rather cathartic diatribe.)
I’ve got plenty more to say but think this is now becoming just unhealthy. In short, it offends me deeply that raw commercial motivations could allow someone to just NOT BOTHER to ensure the writing is up to scratch when they know that the cast, concept and trailers alone will lull huge audiences in their millions into the cinemas around the world regardless. Richard Curtis should be thoroughly ashamed of himself and so should the producers. Scrub thatm they should be taken out and FCUKING SHOT. In fact I’m so upset instead of buying the soundtrack I’m going to overcome my usual principles on pirating and illegally rip it from someone else as I just can’t bear to contribute to their profits.
(Rhys Ifans was surprisingly good though.)